What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 01:21
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
If there exists a “New York of Australia”, is it Sydney or Melbourne?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My life is so biszare .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
This is soul school!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im still living with it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I write beautiful poetry .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were not on the streets..
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She found it foreign!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Can you write a short story with a twist ending?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She married twice! .
My family never makes their pension either.
All the time i was locked up.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was 9 years of age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It was going to be , some day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We all went to grammer schools
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I have no regrets .
He resisted the act ,that day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i lived it daily.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She wouldn,t have been !
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
Comes on , in middle age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So whats the point in blame.
Who then, do I blame.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was in good health!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I don,t even have a pension.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
(And it was in our own minds.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i do to all so called friends.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot live in the past .
What did i know ?
She loved him until the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He knew the spot.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I think the readers, may guess!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was scared of men, in general
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was seconnd youngest,
Ive learnt so much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But, we were locked up after school.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was very sick at this time too.
Would this be the day?
I waited trembling.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
When she asked me how she looked .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I said to her
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I will be 64.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.